Changes

When I said I'd make changes in the new year, I wasn't being serious. It was wishful thinking at best, and at worst - tired cynicism. After all, isn't it customary to propose all your far-fetched hopes for the coming year? I don't doubt that some people invest great amounts of energy to change themselves for the better each year, but that's never been my thing. Laziness has, for most of my adult life (and before) been my thing. It isn't due to a lack of interest in being the best I can be. Everyone wants to have MORE. More mustn't specifically apply to material things. Abstract concepts, such as self improvement, bodily and mental health - You can have more of these, can you not? No, I've just never been motivated to get the things I want. Obsessing over the illogical nature of such a conclusion has never brought about change either. Instead, I'd just surrendered to the monotony of my stagnate life, and found pleasure in the effortless.

But changes have occurred -recently- and I'm not sure why. Hell, I'm not even sure what has changed. My behavior of course, has changed, but I'm still a bit fuzzy on how I got to this point. The first thing that happened was I finally forced myself to start going to sleep at a decent hour. Obviously "decent" is subjective - but I'm sure most people in my region would agree that midnight or thereabouts is a good time to start a nine hour nap. This minor change did wonders for my mood. Actually, mood is perhaps the wrong term. Not to say that I'm not in a better mood these days, but I'll get to that later. Clarity. Getting regular sleep did wonders for my clarity. I was awake during the day, and I was able to better evaluate the choices I was making (or rather, the choices I wasn't making.) Going from waking up at 5 in the evening to waking up at 9-10 in the morning gave me more time to interact with society and I remembered, as if waking from a long dream, that people are actually awake and doing things when the sun is still high in the sky. I suddenly wanted to be one of these people.

Being out in public more, and with the warmer summer months coming, I started to become very aware of my physical appearance. Years of chaotic diet and at least 6 months of nocturnal sleep habits had left me incredibly pale and fairly flabby. I'm not fat. I've never been fat. But I'm certainly wearing enough extra pounds around my waist to make me avoid removing my shirt except around close friends. Also, with my parents and their friends getting older, I'm witnessing first hand how important diet can be to long-term health and fitness.

So I took radical changes. Changes I've been wanting to make for months. I cut soda from my diet entirely. Junk food and fast food quickly followed. I'm checking nutritional content of packaged foods for the first time in my life. I'm watching my portions and eating healthy stuff if I can. Hallelujah! My body rejoiced. In little over 2 weeks I've lost 10 pounds and I feel better than I have in years. I have more energy during the day, I'm rarely hungry like I was when a average meal consisted of three hot dogs and a 24oz energy drink. My mood has improved. I find that I'm more optimistic, and I have more willpower to pursue new things.

Third thing: Exercise. I've started doing some exercise, but I haven't been following up. My plan is to change that (hopefully starting tomorrow.) I don't want to risk running until my doctor can tell me more about the strange grinding sensation in my knee, but I plan to bike at least a few times a week, and perform regular calisthenics before I hop in the shower each morning.

I'm not going "all out". I have no intention to start micro-managing my individual dietary intake, or hitting the gym, or taking specially formalized dietary supplements. I don't need all that. My only interest is becoming fit and healthy, like I know should be, given my age. So far it's working for me, but as much as healthy living has done for me in this brief time, in this limited application, it doesn't solve every problem. I'll get to that later.

I've also decided on several other little things that I want to change. I'm done putting up a front about my beliefs. I am agnostic. I do not believe in God. I have not for a long time, and this isn't going to change. I'm finished being someone I'm not just to make other people feel more comfortable. If you can't handle it, do not expect me to handle it for you. On that same principle, I'm done allowing people I like have things their way just to avoid conflict. I have views and beliefs that I feel strongly about, and I'm not going to hide them or act like they're no big deal just to ease the minds of people who I want to think highly of me.

Changes are coming, but I can't do everything at once.

I still have motivational issues. I do not have a job, nor have I tried looking for one. For all my new-found energy, that's something I still haven't been able to bring myself to do. And I haven't made any efforts toward continuing my education. I haven't looked into classes, or ways to manage my debt from previous semesters. Nor have I been studying for the A+ exam that I have been meaning to take for nearly a year.

Maybe it's just that I've been at the bottom for so long that the notion of finally peeking my head out and taking charge scares me. Maybe I'm terrified of finally having responsibility, of being free to make even more mistakes than I already have. Whatever the reason, this hurdle must be passed. I'm tired of watching my friends graduate, get married, and find work while I sit in my room playing Starcraft. Despite my love for my friends, and happiness for their good fortune, each time I am reminded of how little I've done with my life, and a blow is dealt to my convalescent self-esteem.

That said, I am working on it. Baby steps. That's what a friend told me. It's good advice, and I plan on following it.